How Naikan Transformed My Life

I attended the Naikan retreat in April at the Jodo Shinshu Center (JSC) in Berkeley, California, and my life has been altered in numerous ways because of it. 

I am still digesting the experience, so bear with me as I try to articulate it. As a mental health therapist, I expected to simply learn about the practice and gain extra tools to support my clients. Instead, what happened was a profound shift in how I view the world, myself, and my support systems. 

It has deepened my gratitude for Amida Buddha’s Primal Vow. There is a saying from 12-step groups that perfectly captures how I used to operate: “I may not be much, but I’m all I think about.” Naikan gave me a completely new understanding of myself and the ways I am constantly supported.

Sponsored by the Center for Buddhist Education (CBE) under the direction of CBE Director Rev. Jerry Hirano, this three-day silent retreat was led by Rev. Dr. Carmela Javellana Hirano and Rev. Landon Yamaoka. 

Six of us from all walks of life gathered at the JSC, each with different expectations. After an initial shared meal and introduction, the silence began. We followed a strict schedule, alerted only by the sound of a bell. 

We spent our time in our rooms with the doors open so our guides could periodically check on us. Our phones were off, and our next Naikan reflection prompts were delivered on sheets of paper alongside the food so generously prepared for us.

Naikan is a structured method of self-reflection based on three questions: What have I received? What have I given? What troubles have I caused? 

Crucially, half of the reflection time is spent on the third question, and there is no space allowed for examining how others have harmed you. It forces a direct look at how we participate in the world.

The depth of this practice hit me immediately during our first five-hour block on "Mother." I have long had a strained relationship with my immediate family due to differing values. My initial reaction to the prompt was fear and resistance. But as I systematically examined my life from birth to the present, I realized that what my mother has given me completely dwarfs what I have given her.

For years, I carried pain because I felt my parents did not fully accept me as a queer, Buddhist, and as a social worker. Naikan flipped my lens. I saw that they gave me something incredible: my autonomy. Granting me the freedom to live outside their expectations cost them closeness and attachment. It was a massive sacrifice that likely caused them great pain. 

By the end of the weekend, having completed Naikan on my entire family  and weeping for three days, I saw the immense trouble I had caused them  and the pain I had been nursing evaporated, replaced by accountability and grace.

This experience illuminated the Primal Vow for me in a terrifyingly beautiful way. It is easy to say “Namo Amida Butsu” and accept that "all are embraced" when things are abstract. It is much harder when you are staring directly at your own greed, anger and ignorance. 

In my career, I work with individuals facing decades in prison, and I have always known that under the same causes and conditions, I could be in their shoes. But at this retreat, I realized that while our actions differ, our hearts are the exact same: full of greed, anger and ignorance (bonbu).

Recognizing my own flaws didn't make me feel defeated; it made me intensely grateful and more comfortable in my skin than I had ever felt. I spent time in my room reading the “Collected Works of Shinran” (for the first time), finding a true salve for my wounds. 

Years ago, my father and I debated whether humans are born as inherent sinners or inherent good. This retreat taught me that we are simply born — neither good nor bad — and immediately sustained by a vast network of causes, conditions and compassion. I can no longer walk through a grocery store, fly on a plane, or do my job without feeling the immense weight of gratitude for the universe that allows me to exist. 

If one has the opportunity to participate in a Naikan retreat in the future, I’d encourage it. Prepare to be changed in the most fundamental ways.